babble
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
I think the toilets of the world are out to get me.
I know you are probably thinking, "Why, that Kat sure is crazy to think there is a worldwide conspiracy of toilets that are planning her imminent demise," but I am here to tell you that said conspiracy of toilets exists. Oh yes, they may seem innocent, just sitting there in the bathroom, uncomplaining, silently accepting whatever you give to them. But no! They have a secret toilet society which they use to plot the slow torture of individual toilet users, and for the last few years they have been focusing on me.
I have two different kinds of toilet-related woes. The first is the tendency for almost all toilets to immediately refuse to work properly when I come near them. These toilet conspirators obviously have obtained surveillance photos of my ass and have been instructing toilets around the country to act like they are stopped up whenever they see me approaching. You may think that perhaps I am overreacting and that it is my fault that I am plagued with toilet clogging problems wherever I go, but I can assure you that I do not produce excrement of abnormal size, shape, or consistency, nor do I use excessive amounts of toilet paper. And this has happened with different toilets, some of which I had only recently become acquainted with, and I would never grace a toilet with my fine, high-quality, individually crafted solid waste products if we were strangers. You have to ease into these relationships.
The other problem I have is with the automatic-flush toilets at my office. Now, I do not have any objection to automatic-flush toilets in principle, since their presence means there is one less gross surface that I have to touch in a public restroom. However, I think that the current technology employed in most automatic-flush toilets is either imperfect or it needs better security, because either they are malfunctioning or the evil toilet conspiracy is directing them to flush prematurely and/or at inopportune moments. For example, sometimes the toilets in my office building flush when people walk past an open stall. Is this supposed to be some kind of warning? An intimidation tactic, perhaps? Sometimes the toilet will flush when I have just put down the little paper toilet seat cover that is so thoughtfully provided by the management for my protection. I don't think the management would be very happy if they knew that these rogue toilets were wasting their fancy ass-protection gear like that. The most annoying inappropriately timed flushes are the ones that occur either while I am placing my glaringly white bum onto the repeatedly-covered seat, or while I am still micturating. These instances are how I know that the toilet conspiracy is after me. Obviously their ultimate goal is to make sure that somehow, my skin will have to come in contact with toilet water, either through inappropriate flushing or plunger backsplash.
Well, I'm not gonna take it anymore. I'm on to your game, toilet conspiracy! You'll stop this torture campaign if you know what's good for you. Don't make me bust out a cleaner that contains harsh chemicals that will damage porcelain!
babbled by Kat @ 11:32:00 AM |
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