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Thursday, October 25, 2007

An early midlife crisis:

Lately I have felt a kind of general malaise regarding my career. Having a career at all is kind of funny, probably because I still think of myself as this young, nerdy kid that accidentally pokes herself in the eye a lot. I mean, I have always been really good at what I do, and nobody gives a squeaky fuck whether I have visible piercings or tattoos (though I do cover up the topless broads on my legs - I wouldn't wear a tshirt with a topless broad on it to my grandma's house, nor would I expose my half-nekkid ladyfriends to her, and that I think is a gold standard to follow in the corporate world). Though I do have friends who have been called "corporate" and "sellouts", etc. because they wear nice pants and work in an office, that's not even remotely the crux of the issue for me. (Though I am, obviously, a corporate sellout who isn't true to myself, what with my lack of bad facial tattoos and all.) I already look the way I want to, aside from the ass size situation, which I'm dealing with. However, I just feel like what I do isn't... doing any good. I go in and help these big ass corporations deploy their software or get it working again so they can go about their business of making huge amounts of money, and it just seems so, I don't know, empty, in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps I am much more of a dirty hippie than I would like to admit. Except I take showers.

Though I have started a couple of my own companies, I can't dedicate much time to them, and I'd really like to. I'd also like to move in a career direction that might make me feel less annoyed overall. The main issue with my current job is that people get vein-poppingly upset over a piece of software not working the way they expect it to. I realize it's frustrating when shit doesn't work the way you want it to (thank you Mr. Gates), but the level of emotional involvement in something that seems so completely unimportant compared to, say, an ebola outbreak or the poverty epidemic or the entirety of southern California being aflame kind of bugs me a little.

So - I'm seriously thinking about leaving my job and going to work for a nonprofit. But then I think that I can do more good by staying in my current job and just continuing to donate 20% of my salary to charity every year. Walking away from a secure job that pays me quite well to deal with a bunch of monkeys that are overly attached to their blade servers when I struggled to make enough money to pay rent for so many years is also a difficult psychological hurdle to overcome. I realize that I'm fine now, financially, and I can actually afford to take a pay cut. So then when I don't, I kind of feel like a dick. Which is really fucking stupid, considering that I worked my ass off to get where I am. I don't know what that is - guilt or something - but it also doesn't help that friends and family continually make snarky comments when I buy a nice computer (business expense) or travel to Europe (cheap tickets, using points for hotels). It also makes me want to punch myself in the neck for feeling the need to parenthetically justify said spending.

I'm probably completely overthinking this. Everyone has aspects of their jobs that they hate, and everyone gets shit from family and sometimes friends about choices that they make because you can't fucking please any of you bastards. I should probably just suck it up and keep earning a decent paycheck so that I can keep myself in nice pants for a few more years and then retire at 40. Then I can move to a farm and raise goats and live off the land like a good little hippie. But I'll still take showers.


babbled by Kat @ 12:55:00 PM | |