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Tuesday, December 31, 2002

Your lovely fez hostessI took a little hiatus for the holidays. Not that I did anything exciting during the holidays, mind you, I just didn't feel like writing. I shall now proceed to update you on the goings-on in the Land of Fez.

The overly commercialized, mostly secular, so-called 'Christian' holiday with blatantly pagan origins was enjoyable. I gave Liz several presents, some of which were practical but none of which involved any cooking or cleaning devices. We get by just fine with our steamer and our George Foreman Grill. She gave me a bunch of cool stuff. I particularly enjoyed the Queens of the Stone Age CD, and the soundtrack to 8 Mile. Also, her son gave me a Bart Simpson watch, which talks and is totally bad ass.

Since then, I've mostly just been going to my mostly empty office and daydreaming about camera equipment. I've been lusting after and daydreaming about cameras so much that I had a dream about getting all the cameras I want today when I took a nap. I had to take a nap in preparation for the BIG TIME PARTYING that I am quite obviously doing tonight. Really, I am partying so hard right now. I'm watching Eddie Izzard on the good old HBO, and then I'm going to count down to the New Year by switching between Comedy Central and the Cartoon Network because Comedy Central has Dave Atell from Insomniac doing the drunken countdown, and Cartoon Network has Sealab and Aqua Teen Hunger Force doing the cartoony countdown. Goddamn, I wish I had Tivo. Then at midnight, I'm going to hide downstairs away from the windows while all of the lovely people in the ghetto neighborhood that surrounds the lovely artists' colony fire their guns into the air to celebrate the new year and possibly maim people, and after that, I'm going to go up on the roof and maybe take a couple of lovely long-exposure photos of the beautiful smog-enhanced lights of downtown L.A. for your viewing enjoyment.

I hope you're all out enjoying your evening, with a nice designated driver. Happy New Year!

babbled by Kat @ 9:49:00 PM | |

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

Poorly done graphic! I sux0r at Photoshop.I know that Thanksgiving is the traditional time to talk about what you're thankful for, but since I have issues with that holiday, I prefer to express my thankfulness around Christmas. Though there are a lot of things going on in the world to be upset about, there's still plenty to be thankful for. And people say I'm a negative bitch. Ha!

People and things I'm thankful for, in no particular order:

I'm thankful for my girlfriend, who is beautiful, smart, funny, and sweet, and has the best laugh I've ever heard.

I'm thankful for my family, especially my mom and grandma, who love me no matter what, and are always there to listen.

I'm thankful for my daughter and my "stepkids", for helping me to realize what's really important.

I'm thankful for my job. I didn't have one at this time last year, and I'm very happy that I found one with such a great company.

I'm thankful that Al Gore invented the Internet, because I can use it to find out pretty much anything I want to know, and I've met some really awesome people that share some of my interests. Thanks, Al.

I'm thankful that all those people over there on the left have 'blogs. They continue to entertain and inspire me on a daily basis, even if I'm too lazy to recreate links to them over here. Heh.

I'm thankful for my big brother Shawny. He's the best big brother a girl could ask for.

I'm thankful for my best friend Shane, even though he has only posted like one comment here, ever. He's cute, though, so I forgive him for being a dirty lurker.

I'm thankful for my supercool mad pimpin' friend Steve, who totally hooked a sista up with this job. He doesn't have a website, either, AND he's a dirty lurker, but he's really hot so I forgive him for lurking, too.

I'm thankful for all of my friends at the artists' colony. We're like a little family, except that we're all insane, artistic to varying degrees, and amazingly attractive.

I'm thankful for all of my friends everywhere, virtual and non, geographically near or far away.

I'm thankful for my car. This of course ties in to my thankfulness for my job, because without the job I wouldn't have been able to buy the car. I love the way this car handles so much, it's almost a pleasure driving in L.A. traffic. (I'm dead serious.) I promised the car that if she's good, one day I might bring home a nice German friend for her to frolic with.

I'm thankful that I'm alive and (relatively) healthy, that I am able to have some of the above creature comforts, and that I'm able to share what I have with others.

I'm thankful for a whole mess of other stuff too, but I think I'll keep them private. Either that, or I've gotten so senile that I can't remember what else I was going to say.

Merry Xmas.

babbled by Kat @ 12:22:00 PM | |

Friday, December 20, 2002

Tomorrow is Dirty Fez's one-year anniversary. I'd like to thank my three and a half loyal readers, plus Phil Collins for his official stamp of approval. Your fez is in the mail, Phil.

Last night there was a holiday party at Ye Olde Artistes Colonie. There was much drunken merriment and a huge pile of food. I'm sorry to report that there was no scandalous behavior, no drunken fistfights, and no tearful "I love you, maaaaaan"s. Really, now, is that behavior fitting to a community full of artists? Someone should have at least broken something, made out with someone they just met, something. What the hell are we going to gossip about for the next couple of weeks when everyone is either holed up in their studio fighting off holiday depression or at home with their families defending their "wacky artist's lifestyle"? You should really think about these things, people.

I've still got some last-minute Xmas shopping to do. I have a shitload of stuff to buy, too. I swear, this whole 'having a job' thing really interferes with your personal life. I guess it's better than when I was unemployed - I had plenty of time to go shopping, but no money to shop with. Now, I don't have time to go shopping, but at least I can afford to. Maybe I should hire a personal shopper to go pick up all the crap I need to get. Normally my personal shopper is my girlfriend, but I can't have her buying her own presents. That takes all the fun out of it when I give them to her on Christmas morning while dressed in my red velvet chemise with white maribou trim that looks very festive in a slutty way. Well, not all the fun.

This weekend, I plan to work on the site a little. I may put up prototypes and ask for feedback, but you have to promise to actually give me feedback. I've had this commenting thing on here for a couple of months now and you people are annoyingly quiet. I look at my site statistics. I know you're here, you dirty lurkers. (Yes, Shane, I'm talking about you! Lurker!) I know I'm not at all interesting in any way, but maybe if you commented I'd make more of an effort. Or I'd start posting stuff when I'm drunk. It would probably be more entertaining.

babbled by Kat @ 12:16:00 PM | |

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Hi, Beyonce. I know you'd like me to try some of your tasty beverage right now, but first I've got to tell you a few things.

At the café in the artists' colony where I live, there is a lovely, albeit temporary, boutique selling some items which you may want to purchase for your holiday gift-giving needs. It's going to be there today through Friday of this week from 6-9 p.m. Stop by, buy some functional art and sculpture, paintings and pillows, or books. If you see a half-drunk redhead wearing a Bedhead Press t-shirt, you can be pretty sure it's me, though you never know when the Katmonkey impersonator will show up.

Now, Beyonce, I know you already know Tony, but I want to remind you that he has a busblog book for sale, which is also good for your holiday shopping needs (though I hope you'll still stop by the boutique). I got mine in the mail yesterday, and though I've only read the first 15 or so pages, I'm thoroughly enjoying it. Plus, I found out that Tony and I may or may not have had a top-secret employer in common a while back. I reached this conclusion purely from the circumstantial data I gathered from those 15 pages. Get that, I learned something from a book! The teevee never told me I could do that!

I've got to go back to work, now, Beyonce, because I've been tossing around an idea for yet another tweak to the ol' Fez design, and I wanna get it out to all the party people in time for Christmas. You take care of that fine badonkadonk butt you've got there, and try to resist the urge to go up to Britney and say "in your FACE, bitch" just because Pepsi ditched her for you.

babbled by Kat @ 11:01:00 AM | |

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

I'm baaaaack.

I had a nice vacation. I went to Phoenix for Thanksgiving, and had a lovely time with my family, even though I was feeling hella shitty. That's right. Hella. I had a raging fever for 4 days. It didn't develop into any type of illness, though. My body is kind of freakish like that sometimes. I'll just have a fever for a few days and then I won't get sick. Either my body is really kickass at fighting off potential infections or my temperature gauge is broken kind of like that old Chevy 454SS pickup I had a few years back. Fucker was always overheating. Too bad I can't just pop open my hood and throw in a $9 part and be done with it like I did with my truck.

After I stopped being warm I packed up my woman and went to Vegas. Ahh, sweet, sweet Vegas. Oh, how I love thee. I had a pretty good time. Spending a shitload of money is fun. The hotel wasn't very expensive, but when I go to Vegas I tend to avoid the buffets because some of them are really scary. I don't want to eat a mountain of scrambled eggs that are glistening with 3-hour-old grease. The good buffets cost as much as a regular meal, and I'd just rather sit down to a regular meal. Fortunately we were staying in New York-New York, which has some pretty decent restaurants. We ate at the only famous New York steakhouse that I'd never eaten at when I lived in New York. It was pretty good, but it ain't no Ruth's Chris. While we were there I made Liz go on the Star Trek Experience in the Star Trek Hilton. Twice. She's a damn good sport and I think she's swell even though she wears her hair like a Romulan.

I also picked up some new swag from Coach while I was there. I figured I should leave Vegas with something to show for it instead of just spending it all on gambling, booze, and hookers. On the way out of town we stopped in Primm and did a little gambling at Whiskey Pete's ghetto white trash style casino. Then we went across the street to the outlet mall, which had a ton of really kickass stuff, especially in the Neiman Marcus outlet. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that we stopped there on our way back, because I was pretty much out of money by then, and if I'd had cash in my pocket it would have leaped right into that saleslady's hand in exchange for a really beautiful Armani skirt. It would have been better than spending it on the aforementioned gambling, booze, and hookers... or would it?

We wrapped up my vacation debauchery week by getting good and drunk and going to our friendly neighborhood all-nude strip club. It's really fun to go to a strip club when you're a girl, especially if you are at all bi or gay. The naked ladies love the ladies, and they will put their hands and boobs and asses places that would cause most guys to explode in their pants. All in all, I had a really fine vacation, and a very good time completely jacking up my chances for that whole getting into heaven gig. I'm sure I'll see a few of you in the 'other place'. I'll bring the hookers.

babbled by Kat @ 11:13:00 AM | |

Monday, December 09, 2002

Hi, I'm a squirrel monkey.

Kat gave me her login so I could update for her. I know, bad security practice! She is a bad lady. But since her fake last name on here is Monkey and I'm a squirrel monkey and I'm really cute, she thought it would be okay just this one time. Shh, don't tell her bosses at that software company where she works, they'll never forgive her for sharing her password, even if it's just the password to her not-at-all-work-related-but-she-updates-from-work-anyway personal site.

See, Kat is still on vacation. Nobody really knows where she is. She couldn't update while she was on vacation in Las Vegas because she didn't take her laptop and didn't have internet access even though there's that internet cafe on the strip right next to the guys who hand out all those cards for the escort services. So instead of taking a break from winning BIG TIME MONEY playing roulette and updating this sorry excuse for a 'blog, she called me up and said "Hey squirrel monkey, please go update for me because I am too busy winning big time money." She expects me to do this even though, as you can plainly see, I have a monkey on my back. Oh sure, I know it's just a tiny baby monkey, but that's how all these things always start out. Layne Staley probably started out with a really tiny monkey on his back and look where it got him.

So, really, since I'm a mischievous squirrel monkey and I have this password, I could do a bunch of damage while Kat is gone, like maybe changing the logo from a lady to a monkey, since everyone knows only shriners and monkeys ever wear a fez. Well, maybe sometimes a lady might wear a fez, but I don't care, I am a squirrel monkey and I want to see hot naked squirrel monkey action and not some lady. If I wanted to see hot ladies I would just peek into the showers at the zoo, because all of the monkey handlers will just strip down and shower in front of us monkeys. They always say, "Oh, it's okay, they're monkeys, it doesn't matter if we get all naked and soapy." Little do they know that the spider monkeys over in the next cage are secretly filming them for the latest "Girls Gone Wild" tape. Our tape may not have Snoop Dogg enticing girls to show their racks, but we've got hot soapy monkey handlers! I mean, really. It can't get better than that. The "Girls Gone Wild" people are already talking to those god damned little spider monkeys about a sequel.

I've got to go tend to this monkey on my back now, so I'll have to be going. Then I'm going out looking for Kat. Somebody said they last saw her near a video poker machine in some bar in Hollywood, mumbling something about how the machine should start giving her back her quarters because she got a royal flush. I think maybe that somehow they got the girl out of Vegas, but they couldn't get Vegas out of the girl.

babbled by Kat @ 9:51:00 AM | |

Monday, December 02, 2002

Last week, I had a fever for four days. It was a lot of fun jet-setting around for the holiday whilst ill. I'm all better now, and since I'm done with me novel and I've taken the liberty of taking some vacation days, I'm going to toss my sweet ass and my girlfriend's sweeter ass into my car and haul, er, ass to Vegas.

See you in a few days, kids.

babbled by Kat @ 4:55:00 PM | |