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Monday, September 29, 2003

Wow, that beats the record:

I would just like to point out this amusing typo in Sean's latest post. I'm sure he'll fix it in a minute, but this is the funniest misplaced link tag I've seen in a long time. Observe:

I think that beats the all-time record! Let's ask Mary Carey.

Wow. 2,500 people? I had no idea I could even do that.


babbled by Kat @ 4:11:00 PM | |




Crouching hipster, drunken panda:

So cute I could stomp on it.Hi, I'm a baby panda.

I know you all just love it so fucking much when you see adorable baby animals and you are always totally in awe of our ability to speak perfect English right out of the womb. I will just explain that to you right now - every creature in the animal kingdom is much smarter than you. Humans are fucking retarded compared to us. You should watch your backs, because I'll bet you have a pet dog or cat or monkey and you think that they are stupid and don't understand what you are saying, but trust me, they are just using their furry wiles and non-English vocalizations to trick you into letting them live in your house rent-free and mooch food from you. I'm just sayin'.

So, Kat told me that her weekend rocked. It rocked so much that she had to take a day off from blogging, so that's why I'm here. Anyway, she said that there were assloads of people at the gallery, and that she learned a couple of things while she was there. The first thing that she learned was that the '80s are back, and she doesn't mean the good parts. She saw more leg warmers and off-the-shoulder tops in one night than anyone should see in their entire life. (Also, the trucker hat trend? So over it.) She also learned that people in L.A. are really fucking lazy. Seriously, Mr. 22 Year Old Hipster, is it going to kill you to walk 200 fucking feet to the front door of the gallery? I didn't think so, assmaster. Other than hipsters throwing attitude, the night was really fun even though Kat only drank one Vitamin Water and didn't make out with anyone. There was that one cute guy that kept hanging around the door and talking to her, so she probably could have made out with him, but he had on one of those goddamned trucker hats, so that ruled him out.

Yesterday she took me as her date to the best baby shower ever. There was food and booze and the parents-to-be gave presents to all the guests. I am telling you, people, that is how it should be done, especially the booze part. I mean, I am just a baby panda and I am obviously underage, but I managed to sneak into the bar area when nobody was looking and dunk my head in the sangria, and man did that make the baby shower fun! I have a little bit of a hangover right now and I'm not entirely sure how I ended up with this hickey on my inner thigh, but people keep saying how much fun I had, and even though I know that humans are kind of dumb, they sure do know how to get drunk and have a good time.

I hear my mom coming back so I'd better go try and cover up this hickey before she gets here, because if she finds out that I snuck out for that party yesterday she'd be pissed, and I don't want to get grounded. And if any of you fuckers tell on me, I'll beat your ass.

Blondes really do have more cleavage fun


babbled by Kat @ 9:30:00 AM | |


Saturday, September 27, 2003

Shower power:

Saturday is typically the day of the week during which I do absolutely nothing. I try to run errands and such during the week or on Sunday so that I can spend Saturday recuperating from my weekday rock star schedule. That all changes when Artwalk is about to happen. Many of my neighbors have a much more hectic schedule than I do - most of them are painters, so they will hurry to produce as many new works as they can, some of them painting up until the time that the doors open. My process is a little less hectic, since I take all my film to a lab for development and enlargements, so I can't really push things up to the last minute. I have to have all of my enlargement orders in at the lab no later than a week prior to the event. However, this time around I have quite a few new pieces, and I'm experimenting with some alternative processes and creating some mixed media pieces, so I'm much busier with preparations than I was the last two times I participated. I have already sent my enlargement orders to the lab, though, so at least that part is done, but I still have to frame them, which I'll spend this afternoon doing. Then it's off to the gallery to help Sean and Caryn with the opening reception for This Is Your God, which is sure to be great.

While I was in the shower a little while ago, I started thinking about this new, top-secret collaborative art and writing project that I'm working on, and came up with some more ideas for it that I'm really excited about. I really do a lot of my best thinking in the shower, I kid you not. Anyway, thinking about that project got me thinking about my goals in life, and how I've achieved many of the things that I wanted to before I turned 30. Some of the goals are financial and materialistic - I like being able to earn enough money to finance my travels and my hobbies, and I like being able to live comfortably without having to constantly worry about money. If that makes me a materialistic asshole, so be it. I feel very lucky that I am able to earn a very good living working in a field that I love. Some of the other goals are travel-related - I wanted to travel to Ireland, and did so several years ago, and I get to go back in October. I really love to travel, and I'll get to do a lot more of it in the next year or so, as I have several trips planned to various parts of the U.S. and Europe. The only travel-related goal that I haven't accomplished yet is to go to Machu Picchu in Peru, but hopefully I'll get to go there within the next 5 years.

I'm very excited about the aforementioned secret project that I'm working on. The only thing I can tell you is that I will get to work with some of my favorite people, who are all extremely talented and capable. The path to world domination begins.


babbled by Kat @ 4:33:00 PM | |


Friday, September 26, 2003

Cramptacular:

I am just going to make this short and sweet today because I am in a horrible mood due to the fact that my uterus has declared mutiny and is currently causing me so much pain that I can't stand up straight even though I took quite a bit of Advil. I know you probably don't want to hear about my uterus, but you are just going to have to fucking live with it, because after all, it's not uterme, it's uterus.

Don't forget to go to the This Is Your God show this weekend. And remember, I love all of you.

Long time.


babbled by Kat @ 10:54:00 AM | |


Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Negative creep:

It's good advice, kidsI know that I have talked about how much I hate the traffic in L.A. before, but lately I think that there might be something odd in the water because I swear to fucking Christ that every single person in this city has made a conscious decision to drive like a complete fucking asshat. Obviously I have not done any kind of scientific study of this phenomenon, so I can't be 100% sure, but I think it happens more often in the afternoon rush hour. Maybe people are half-asleep or in a good mood in the morning and decide it isn't worth the effort, but in the afternoon they are all in a pissy mood because their workday sucked or their wives called and nagged them to go buy some tampons or their intern didn't swallow, and they think, "Well, if I'm miserable then I am going to try really hard to piss Kathleen off by driving like a schizophrenic howler monkey with Parkinson's disease." I suppose it's okay, though, because the existence of these fucking assclowns partially justifies my misanthropy, so at least they're not completely worthless.

In other news, I just came out of a meeting during which a person who shall remain nameless said, "for all intensive purposes". For the love of all that's holy, blondie, it's "for all intents and purposes"! I don't know why shit like that bothers me so much. I mean, is it that fucking hard to speak proper fucking English? I can cut you some slack if English isn't your first language, but if it is and you say shit like that, you need a good ass-kicking.

This week I will be doing so many exciting things that I can't tell you about because they are top secret. However, I can tell you that I will be in San Diego tomorrow night to see my mom, because she and her husband are vacationing there, and that will be nice because it has been a long time since I've seen her. I can also tell you that I will be at the Sixspace gallery on Saturday night helping out with their latest show, a new exhibition of Shepard Fairey's work. I really think you should go to the opening reception, not only because Shepard's work is great, but because I will be there telling you not to touch anything. Also, if you don't go, it will make the baby Jesus cry. You don't want little baby Jesus to cry, now, do you?

Shane has ants in his pants


babbled by Kat @ 10:38:00 AM | |


Monday, September 22, 2003

Plague, it does a body good:

This weekend was one of my most uneventful weekends in recent memory. What I thought was a 72-hour bubonic plague actually turned out to be a SARS-like mystery illness. I had all manner of disturbing gastrointestinal phenomena occurring, the details of which I will spare you, not because I particularly like you but because I just don't want most of you to have intimate knowledge of the workings of my innards. In any case, I had to skip the San Genarro festival and a benefit on Friday night, and even after sleeping for what seemed like a billion hours (but was actually only about 9 and a half hours), I was feeling so worn out on Saturday that I had to skip four different parties. Yes, I am Miss fucking Popularity. It's probably better that I stayed home, though, because after spending the entire weekend recuperating from my case of scurvy I feel fan-fucking-tastic. I only tell you because I know you were all worried sick.

Now, I need you to do something for me: Go tell my bitch that he needs to get his ballerino ass down to L.A. next weekend so we can fist each other. Thanks.

I'll bet Scott looks good in eyeliner


babbled by Kat @ 5:23:00 PM | |


Friday, September 19, 2003

Talk like a pirate day:

Yo ho,
yo ho,
a pirate's life
for me.

It's Talk Like a Pirate Day, parrrrrty people! 'Tis a great occasion. Enjoy, me hearties!

I think Wil was a pirate in a past life


babbled by Kat @ 12:06:00 AM | |


Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Sick, sad world:

Smack that ass!I have just recovered from some random mystery illness. I think I had the 72-hour plague. This has happened before, where I will just get achey and have a fever and feel all weak and exhausted for a few days, and then it will just magically go away. I don't know if it was my body's way of fighting off a cold, or if someone was skullfucking my voodoo doll, but whatever it was, it's gone after two sick days and a LOT of napping.

While I was home feeling like death on a cracker, I did manage to get some things done, so it wasn't an entirely unproductive illness. First, I went out and stocked up on Vitamin Water because I figured that since I was supposed to be drinking lots of fluids to combat the evil viral invader that it wouldn't hurt to have some extra electrolytes and vitamins and radioactive colors thrown in the mix, too. Then, I picked some images I wanted to have enlarged for Artwalk and took them to ye olde photo lab. (No, they weren't the nekkid ones. I print those at home.) There was a new girl at the counter and she was kinda snotty, like she thought my shit wasn't good enough for her to print or something. I was thinking, "You betta drop the attitude, art school bitch, or I'll smear my SARS germs all over you," but since I really like that lab and I try not to get thrown out of places that I like, I didn't say anything. After that excitement, I went home and took a nap, because the effort required to hold myself back from calling that girl a twat just wore my virus-addled, antibody-challenged ass out.

Speaking of Artwalk, I must warn you that as the event date approaches I will not only be yapping incessantly about how I'm making prints and paintings and going oh so crazy with the costs and the efforts involved, I will also be bugging any and all of you who are even remotely near southern California to come to the friggin' thing. It'll be October 11-12, so mark your calendars now and plan on attending, because if you don't show up I'll send my enforcer to your house and he'll Grand Jeté all up in your face, beeyotch.

P.S. Name that cartoon reference in the title! Win prizes!

Kerry is better for a cold than chicken soup


babbled by Kat @ 10:23:00 AM | |


Monday, September 15, 2003

Kick out the jams:

I'd like to do you again, babyAs promised, I spent my weekend getting an earful of Johnny Cash. I didn't turn on the teevee the whole weekend, though, so I didn't manage to catch any Three's Company reruns, but you can't have everything.

So you probably noticed that Kerry, Sean, Renee, Kari, Shane, and Thym have answered my interview questions. You probably noticed the first three because I told you about them already. There are a couple more on the way, which I'll tell you about as soon as they're posted.

You also might have noticed that I linked to some new (or new to me) bloggers right then. There are also some more bloggers that have gone unlinked by me before, so I am going to remedy that right fucking now. Allow me to introduce the living fuck out of them.

Shane is my best friend. We love each other madly, and we demonstrate our love by calling each other such endearing terms as "hooker" and "manhole". He is much cooler than you, and I swear to the little baby Jesus that I have never seen anyone look as good in leather pants, with the possible exception of that extra from Biker Boyz when they were filming the bar scene here. Go tell him he's pretty.

I don't really know Sean all that well in real life, but his blog is great, plus he and his wife Caryn have a kickass gallery and as an added bonus are just as misanthropic as I am. I don't know if he would like it if you told him he's pretty, so maybe you should just go read his blog instead.

I have been talking to Thym online for something like 3 motherfucking years now. We've never met in person or talked on the phone, but we get along really fucking well, probably because I think it's funny rather than offensive when he talks about skull-fucking yuppies. Plus, he laughs at all my dead baby jokes. He's also a really good photographer and a kickass digital artist. Plus, I mean, he's like, angry. That rules.

Nick is this dude I've been friends with for a few years now. We have endless conversations about music and relationships and shit. He lives in Phoenix, so we don't hang out much, but when we do there is usually alcohol and sushi involved, and what is better than drunken, sushi-fueled revelry? Nothing, I tell you.

Rob is Kerry's little brother, so obviously there is some genetic predisposition to good writing in that family. He needs to post more often, because he's fucking hilarious. Go tell him he's hilarious AND pretty.

I don't know Renee at all but I dig her blog. It's interesting. Go read it. Tell her she's pretty while you're at it.

One of these days, I'll update my links section to include all of these people, but right now I'm trying to fight off some kind of flu bug so sitting in front of the computer is just making me want to hurl. Or, I'm just lazy. Either way, I'll get around to it eventually.

Tony Pierce is always pretty


babbled by Kat @ 12:57:00 PM | |


Saturday, September 13, 2003

Congratulations:

My really good friend Jake just got engaged tonight!!! He just called me and told me, and I'm super happy for him and his lovely fiancée Lorraine. Our little Jakey's all growed up!

Now go congratulate him.


babbled by Kat @ 8:54:00 PM | |


Friday, September 12, 2003

I walk the line:

R.I.P.First off, let me start by telling you what a major geek I am. I actually said "teh" out loud today. That is worse than when I said "omfg" out loud as if it were a word, like "omfug". Christ.

In other news, as you probably know, Johnny Cash died. So did John Ritter. Now, I don't know either of these guys, but for some reason I'm really sad about both of their deaths. I'm sad about Johnny Cash because his music was fucking incredible, and music is one of the most important things in the world to me. I'm sad about John Ritter because he was a very funny, entertaining actor, and it just bites that he died so suddenly and so young. And you know what? Even though I don't know these people, I think it's fine to be sad about death, whether it's someone you know in real life or just someone who you admire from afar. Television and movies and books and music bring these people into our homes and we feel like we know them, so why shouldn't we feel a pang of sadness when one of them passes away?

So, this weekend, in addition to listening to a whole lot of Johnny Cash songs, I will be running around like a big fucking goober taking photos of stuff. See, the Brewery Artwalk is coming up soon, and I realized that I don't have nearly enough material for it, so I need to get crackin'. I'm going to try to do a self-portrait series, which should be quite a challenge. I'm usually very self-conscious in front of a camera and hate the way I look in most photos, which Steve can verify. Poor bastard tried to take some headshots of me for an article I'm writing and I was the Worst. Model. Evar. I've taken a few self-portraits before, and they turned out well, so I'm hoping I'll be able to overcome my natural aversion to being photographed and get some good photos done. And then you'll all come over to the Artwalk just so you can see them, because I'll be nekkid and god knows you all want to see me in the nude.

I've got some interview questions to finish writing, and then I'm going to turn off "teh" computer and go outside. Omfug, what a great idea!


babbled by Kat @ 10:25:00 AM | |


Thursday, September 11, 2003

Loss for words:

I don't know what to say about what happened two years ago today, or what's going on in the world right now, because I'm just not fucking eloquent enough to put the jumble of thoughts and feelings into words. So I'll let Wil do the talking for me, because I think he said it best. (I'm sure the replacement intro will be gone tomorrow, so go look now.) It's permanently here now.

Interview questions have been sent. Kerry has posted her answers already. I can't wait to see the rest of them. So get crackin', people!

Update: Sean and Ren answered also. And now I've received three more interview requests, so I'd better get to writing them.


babbled by Kat @ 10:34:00 AM | |


Tuesday, September 09, 2003

A bit of insight and a dash of bitterness:

What. The. FUCK?As many of you have fervently hoped, I have returned to my natural state of bitter, caustic misanthropy. To celebrate the departure of any and all optimism from my psyche, I will answer these interview questions from Scott, and give you some insight into my soul. Or, just give you some sarcastic, bitchy comments. Either way, I'm sure hilarity will ensue.

1. We’re all BIG fans of the current president. How long would you swear off intimate contact with another human being to guarantee he would not be re-elected?

Well, seeing as how I'm currently a freewheelin' single gal, and the only person I am remotely interested in having intimate contact with lives really far away, and I have a pocket rocket and an unlimited supply of batteries and a huge stack of porn, I'd say... 6 months. I've gone without the sexin' for longer than that (shocking, I know!) but it's just fucking inhuman to expect someone to not need intimate contact with another human for extended periods of time. Even if they do have a lot of porn and sex toys. And even if it will guarantee that our dubiously elected "leader" wouldn't steal the Presidency again get re-elected.

2. In my experience, relationships with people you meet in a club don’t really go very far (past the bedroom, anyway). Has that been your experience, too?

Yessir, I agree. All of my long-term relationships have been with someone I either met at work or through friends. I briefly dated someone I met in a club when I was, like, 18 or something, and he was hot as all fuck, but after a few weeks we realized we had nothing in common except our bitchen taste in music. And our taste in pirate shirts. Ah, goth clubs.

3. If you could live in a T.V. show, which would you choose?

Oh, this is going to be tough. See, when I was a teenager, I used to want to live in Star Trek: TNG, because I had hair that was a very unnatural color and I thought it would be cool to have me be a character from a planet where all the women had fuchsia hair, or something. Plus, Picard is BAD ASS. But now, I'd have to say Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, because Mariska Hargitay is hot and Ice T is BAD ASS and I would totally like to run around beating the living fuck out of rapists. That would rule.

4. What are your five favorite albums (CDs) of all time?

Sweet mother of fuck. That is the goddamned hardest question I have ever heard, followed closely by "Don't you love me anymore?" and "Where are all the white women at?" How am I supposed to pick only five? Gah.

Okay, here goes, in no particular order:
- Queens of the Stone Age, Songs for the Deaf. It's new, yes, but I am so fucking in love with that album that I would fucking marry it if I could. I am not even kidding.
- Guns 'n' Roses, Appetite for Destruction. The soundtrack to my 8th grade year. I even teased my hair like Axl's. (No, you can't see pictures. I destroyed all evidence.) I still rock out to it when I'm driving around in my goddamned yuppiemobile.
- Bauhaus, Mask. I love pretty much the entire Bauhaus discography, because I am still a fucking goth at heart, but this album has my two all-time favorite Bauhaus songs on it - "Mask" and "Passion of Lovers".
- N.W.A., Straight Outta Compton. The soundtrack to my freshman year in high school. Me and my friends (all of us total white-bread honkies) used to drive around listening to this and passing around a bottle of Bacardi 151. How the fuck I survived that high school to become the successful closet-goth pseudo-yuppie I am today is beyond me. But I still love this album. Shit, "Straight Outta Compton" and "Gangsta Gangsta" are always in my playlist.
- Soundtrack, Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It's just goddamned fantastic.

I have so many other favorites that making this list physically hurt me. I hope you're happy, Scott.

5. Much like a Cold-War thriller from the 1980s, we have accidentally blown up a Russian / North Korean / Pakistani city and killed over a million people. As retribution, we have to blow up an American city (of similar size) without telling the people of that city. You’re in charge of making the choice. So, which city gets it?

Wow, this one's hard. I mean, a Russian/North Korean/Pakistani city is not only geographically impossible but also ethnically diverse, so we will need to take that into consideration. Also, I can't blow up any cities where people I love live, so that eliminates a whole fuckload of cities. Like, if people I love didn't live in Phoenix, I would totally blow it up, because it's just a big pile of hot dirt. I can't blow up New York because I fucking love that city. I live in L.A., so I'm not going to blow myself up, plus we are 9+ million people strong, so we're too big for this shit, dawg. I'd blow up Memphis - it's the right size and all, but there's the Elvis factor. So, I guess I'll have to go with Hartford, Connecticut.

Hmm, that wasn't that hard after all.

In conclusion, if any of you bitches want to be interviewed by me, post a comment and I'll make up 5 really fucking hard questions that will make you cry. It'll RULE.


babbled by Kat @ 10:48:00 AM | |


Monday, September 08, 2003

Hiatus from misanthropy:

Those of you who know me and have tried to get me to leave the house to do things with you in recent weeks have undoubtedly noticed my hermit-like behavior, and those of you who don't know me and just read this blog as a way of stalking me without actually having to make the effort to follow me around have probably noticed me talking about my hermit-like behavior, but this weekend I did a total fucking about-face and not only left the house, but managed to be friendly to complete strangers for over 9 consecutive hours. Not only did I manage to leave my house for something other than work or procuring food items, I had actual conversations with other humans that I didn't already know, made some new friends and reconnected with a couple of old friends, served beverages and gave directions and handed out flyers and made pretty colored pyramids out of water bottles, and did all of it while drinking beverages that had no alcohol in them whatsoever. I know what you're thinking: "Who are you, and what have you done with the antisocial, misanthropic, drunken Kathleen that I cyber-stalk?" Don't worry, I still hate almost everyone (especially that guy who cut me off on the 105-405 transition road this morning, fucking assclown), and I will be sure to tell you all about how much I despise the vast majority of humanity on a regular basis, but this weekend renewed my faith that at least .00000001% of humanity doesn't suck at least .0000001% of the time, because the reason I left the house and talked to all the people and overdosed on vitamin water (go Team Drink!) was because we were all out at the Cruel and Unusual show to help raise money for the legal defense of three people that most of us have never met. And that's enough to make even a card-carrying misanthrope like myself have the tiniest glimmer of hope for humanity.


babbled by Kat @ 9:30:00 AM | |


Thursday, September 04, 2003

Free the West Memphis Three:

If you're in or around L.A. this weekend, you need to bring that fine ass of yours down to the Sixspace gallery downtown for the Cruel and Unusual show that will benefit the West Memphis Three. If you're not familiar with them, read this article or this to get a good overview on the case.

I'll be there. You should be too.




babbled by Kat @ 3:18:00 PM | |


Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Hand in hand is the only way to land:

Chomp!Hi, I'm a baby crocodile.

I know I'm not all fluffy and fuzzy like the other baby animal guest bloggers that Kat recruits to further her evil plans, but get over it. A baby animal doesn't have to be fuzzy to be cute. I mean, just look at me, I'm fucking adorable. Pretty foxy, too, if I do say so myself. All the other baby crocs are hot for my bod.

So you may be wondering why Kat asked me to guest blog for her. She says it's because she's really busy with some project at work or something, but I think it's actually because she ran out of shit to talk about. I mean, the bitch was getting pretty boring lately. Look at that last post. The biggest paragraph was about some ghey philosophy class that she was thinking of dropping. Who the fuck cares about that shit? (She dropped it, by the way.) Remember way back in the day when she used to write about masturbation and fucking all the time? God, those were the days.

Actually, maybe she's been so boring lately because she's been doing a bunch of work on her loft. See, her ex-girlfriend had a lot of furniture and rugs and stuff, and when she moved out the place was hella empty. It kind of looks cool like that, but she really needed to liven up the place with some color, you know? She's been slowly working on remedying that situation, because how the fuck is she supposed to have a den of debauchery if all that's going on is white walls, grey floors, and a beige sofa? Anyway, this weekend she went to IKEA with some sassy people and whaddya know, the sexiest writer she knows got her a really beautiful Persian rug as a birthday present! Now that I mention it, I think that's why she hasn't been updating her fucking blog - she's been too busy admiring her rug. As a baby crocodile with discerning taste, I can assure you that it's a lovely rug and it's definitely worthy of her attention. As a baby crocodile with evil intentions, I can also assure you that it is large enough that she could roll up a dead body in it, and the colors are such that the bloodstains really wouldn't show, and as we all know those are the two qualities that every aspiring evil overlord should look for in a rug.

Now that I have fulfilled my obligation and updated this lazy twat's blog for her, I have to get back to what I was doing - biting the living fuck out of this dude's hand. TTFN!


babbled by Kat @ 10:02:00 AM | |