Dirty Fez logo

dirty fez zen
home | archives | favorites | about | rss

go elsewhere
my comics | my home | wishlist | wishlist

where am I?


other links

Friday, February 27, 2004

You're all I want, my fantasy:

Letters I wrote in my head while I was going about my day on Friday:

Dear Lady In The Supermarket With No Concept Of Personal Space,

Stop standing so close to me that I can feel your breath on my arm. Also, the occasional "excuse me" when you were shoving past me in the frozen foods aisle or the dairy aisle or in the checkout line would have been fucking nice.

The Chick Who Almost Punched You Today

Dear Guy In The El Camino Who Was Stuck Next To Me In Stop-And-Go Traffic,

Yes, I was totally rocking out to "Photograph" by Def Leppard with the windows down. And yes, I was playing air drums with one arm because I like to be as realistic as possible with my air instruments. Deal with it.

Your Friend,
The Babe Who Wore Acid Wash Jeans In Eighth Grade But Didn't Have A Mullet

Dear Brian Greene,

Your brain makes my brain feel all tingly. Let's make out.

The Hottie Who Reads Theoretical Physics Texts As A Hobby

Dear Lady In The White Ford Extinction,

Seriously, do you really need an SUV that big when you are just driving around alone, running your impeccably maintained French manicure through your precisely highlighted hair? Also, do you need to talk incessantly on your cell phone so that you can't focus your attention on driving through the tiny parking lot at the Whole Foods market, during which time I watched you almost take out a little old lady, a new mother with a stroller, and most importantly, me and my precious espresso-laden beverage? Also, please die.

The Angry, Caffeinated Redhead Who Stuck A Banana In Your Tailpipe

Dear One-Eyed Jack,

Really, I think you are the best cat ever. I am very fond of you. But for the love of all that's holy, can you please stop walking directly underfoot when I am walking down the stairs? Sometimes I could swear that you're trying to kill me.

Also, could you stop staring at me when I'm having sex, whether I'm alone or with someone else? It's really creeping us out.

The Lady Whose Sole Purpose In Life Is To Feed You

babbled by Kat @ 8:21:00 PM | |

The further I go the less I know:

I know I promised that I would deliver part two of my funtimes political ranting yesterday, but I got totally sidetracked by that pesky "work" thing that I do during the day. I was really on a roll and was writing code and getting shit done in a spectacularly efficient manner and I didn't want to break my concentration ala Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, so I have not completed my rant in re: Constitutional amendments. But I shall do so shortly, and hopefully it will be worth the wait. (Of course it will be. I'm fabulous!)

Since I've been all clear-eyed and shit for a few days I've been powering through lots of work, which is cool because I like being Super Kathleen™ and getting like 3 days' worth of shit done in 6 hours. If only I could be as motivated to do that with, say, housecleaning or devising a working transporter. Since my energy levels and focus have been so amazing the last couple of days, I assume this trend will continue through the weekend, so my ambitious plans are as follows:

1. Go out and shoot some freakin' photos in downtown L.A., preferably containing at least one shouting crazy person.
2. Hang out with a good friend. Get very little sleep that evening.
3. Clean out darkroom so that it can actually become a darkroom instead of a storage space for all of my junk.
4. Write 75 pages of technical documentation. Fantasize about having a better laptop to do it on.
5. Move the 'Fez to Movable Type.
6. Hook up new DVD player. Watch porn on it.
7. Write book proposal to send to O'Reilly.
8. Have at least half a dozen orgasms. See numbers 2 and 6.

I think I can get all of that done in the next couple of days, don't you?

babbled by Kat @ 3:25:00 PM | |

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

If I were your appendages, I'd hold open your eyes:

I decided I'd have to separate my rant about the gay marriage issue into two parts, because I wanted to address what I see as two separate, but equally important issues - gay marriage itself and the proposed (ab)use of the Constitution to address it. I give you Part One.

Also, some great commentary from friends: Wil, Sean, Anthony, Jim. You guys rule.

And some other great reads elsewhere: Andrew Sullivan, Choire Sicha, Peggy, and a lighthearted, if slightly crude cartoon.

babbled by Kat @ 4:35:00 PM | |

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Fair warning:

I feel a serious rant coming on in re: Bush's announcement to support a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. For now, I'll just say this: liberals, moderates, and conservatives alike should abhor the mere suggestion of a Constitutional amendment to address a social issue. It's not only unnecessary, but it's such a reckless use of the Constitution that it should give even the staunchest gay marriage opponent pause. And if you've even the faintest concept of equal protections that are guaranteed to every U.S. citizen by our Constitution, you should vehemently oppose the proposed amendment.

More to come..

babbled by Kat @ 2:47:00 PM | |

How long shall the wicked triumph on Earth:

Look, it's a spoiled rich twat!Today is Fat Tuesday. Despite its name, today is not about doing something fun like eating lots of fried foods or chubby chasing, it is simply the day before Ash Wednesday, which signals the beginning of Lent.

Now, I am not a religious person, not by a long shot. I have, however, always been fascinated by religion and religious traditions. There is only one that I actually participate in, and that is giving up something for Lent.

Now, some of my friends think that because I engage in this one particular tradition, I am clinging to some remnant of my family's Catholicism, and they are welcome to think that, but that's not the case. I prefer to think of it as a simple exercise in self-control, and since I give up the same thing every year for Lent, I also think of it as sort of a spring cleaning for my internal organs. I don't go to church because I don't follow the teachings of Cathol and I don't believe that giving something up for Lent makes me a better person or gives me a "get out of Hell free" pass. I just use it as a framework for taking a break from a particular vice that I have that I probably indulge in a little too much.

I guess I could just do this at some other time of the year, which I may just do. In fact, instead of just starting a new tradition, maybe I should start a new religion. I can see it now: instead of boring sermons, we'll have stand-up comedians. No more communion wafers - we'll have chocolate chip cookies. No more pesky confessions - we'll just issue blanket forgiveness. Gay marriages? No problem! Women as priests? Bring 'em on! Priests want to get married? Sure thing! Orgies in church? What the heck, why not?!

Man. The Catholic Church would've turned out so much cooler if it had been me making the rules instead of Paul.

Go wish Sean a happy birthday, because I said so.

babbled by Kat @ 11:21:00 AM | |

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Tell her she can have it all today:

I have a pretty high sex drive when I am not getting laid, but for some reason it seems to increase when I am actually getting fucked properly, which either bodes well for the next person I get involved with or will lead to their demise. Though this information is probably totally unnecessary and far more than you wanted to know about the goings-on of my clitoris, I figured I owed it to my readers and society at large to warn them of this phenomenon. Therefore, you may consider this a public service announcement.

babbled by Kat @ 8:46:00 PM | |

Thursday, February 19, 2004

The KKK took my baby away:

Even though my birthday will not occur for 6 more months (give or take a few days), I have been thinking about it a lot, probably because I am going to turn 30.

I am not really that concerned about that specific number - I don't feel like it means that I am old, because I fluctuate between feeling young and old all the time. I feel old when I see my daughter, who is already as tall as I am and twice as smart. I feel young when I convince all my friends to join me as I skip down the loading docks near my loft. But most of the time I don't feel young or old; I just feel like me.

However, most people seem to look at 30 as a milestone, so I am going to use the occasion as an excuse to throw a huge fucking party, plan a big group trip to Vegas with as many friends as I can trick into coming with me, and get people to show me their boobs. You see, I have a theme for my 30th year, and so far everyone I have told is totally on board with it. The theme is: Boobs in the Face™.

Please note that I said "boobs in THE face", and not necessarily MY face, so this does not only benefit me - it benefits all who choose to grace me with their presence. If you have boobs, put them in someone's face! (Mine, if it's my birthday. Thanks.) If you don't, find some cleavage and plant your face in it. Simple. Beautiful. It's win-win for everyone.

Now we just need more people to jump on the Boobs in the Face™ bandwagon. Any volunteers?

I would also like cupcakes like these for my birthday. Or any day, for that matter. So get to baking, people.

babbled by Kat @ 10:51:00 AM | |

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Drowning in a daydream:

Cleavage makes the world go 'round.I swear to fucking Christ, I want to post something that is about how busy and overcommitted and stressed I am at work, or how busy and overcommitted and stressed I am with my side projects that are pretty much just like work except with more Powerpoint slides and fewer cubicles, or how I'm on the fence about participating in the Artwalk this spring because I don't think I will stop being busy and overcommitted and stressed until like April. But I won't post about any of that crap. Instead, I'll post about my ridiculously dramatic personal life! Aren't you excited?

Ew, you are. Put that thing away.

Anyway, I like this person, see, but there is the potential for an awful lot of drama were the two of us to get together. I know, there's always potential for drama, because people always put their best face forward when you first meet them and then when you both let your respective guards down you realize that this is not the person you thought you fell in love with and then everything goes to shit and you end up cheating with some sweaty, disgusting pig in the back of a Volkswagen behind that seedy bar in the strip mall down the street, and then your partner finds out and lights half of your clothes on fire and throws the other half into the cat's litter box, and then you end up living in your car for six months, eating 49 cent cans of tuna and half-eaten sandwiches from the dumpster behind your ex's work as you sit waiting for your opportunity to slit their throat when they come out from doing inventory in the stockroom one late, stormy night.

But I digress.

I've known this person for 10 years, and said person is really cool, we have a great time together, and I think both of us would really enjoy having a lot of orgasms, preferably in very close proximity to one another. Those facts, in and of themselves, should indicate that there is no reason why we shouldn't just go ahead and get to swapping spit already. The reasons for said potential drama are as follows:

1. This person is friends with my ex-husband.
2. This person's roommate would more than likely be hella pissed if we did "it".
3. This person reads my blog. (Hi!)

I debated about posting this in the first place due to reason #3, but I promised to document all of my dating adventures here, so there you have it. Also, please note that I didn't mention who this person is, so if the person in question is reading this, please don't be all mad, as your identity is totally safe unless you do something really bad to me like punch my mom or eat the last of the chocolate chip cookies.

Of course, I have to turn to my four and a half readers for advice, because even though my brain, emotions, and vagina are all telling me what they think I should do, I just don't trust them to be objective.

babbled by Kat @ 5:22:00 PM | |

Monday, February 16, 2004

A voice that is dark like tinted glass:

This weekend, I spent a bunch of time doing things that were in no way productive or related to finishing any of my current projects or attaining my goals. However, I had fun, which more than makes up for the fact that I will have to spend the next five days in a row hopped up on a neverending stream of caffeinated beverages in order to get caught up on said projects and goals. Sometimes, spending a lazy weekend with good friends instead of doing what I "should" be doing is exactly what I need.

One of the things that we did this weekend was shop. We went to Best Buy, where I got a new combo VCR/DVD player so that I can ditch the two separate players currently in my possession. I also picked up some DVDs, a Yeah Yeah Yeahs CD, and a big ass pack of CD-Rs that are really cool looking so that I can make some mix CDs for people. In case you are wondering why it has taken me something like 6 months to actually fucking make the things, it's because a) I procrastinate, b) my "good" laptop with all the music on it died, and c) my CD burner has been a dirty crackwhore and doesn't want to play nicely with the laptop I've been using since the other one died. I think I've managed to identify the problem now, so I should be back to making mix CDs shortly.

We also shopped at Old Navy, where I had to go to get new clothes because when I went over to my friends' place on Saturday night, I wasn't feeling well, and so I didn't pack a bag because I didn't think I would be staying overnight. Then I felt better, so I stayed, but the last bar we went to was smoky so my clothes were smelly and so the obvious solution was to go shopping. (I am a pro at shopping justification, can you tell?) I picked up a cute top, some $7 jeans (score!), and 6 pairs of thong underwear.

I mention this because today I was getting my laundry ready and I realized that my thong underwear collection has really reached mythic proportions. One of these days I will have to count exactly how many pairs of thongs I own, because I think I lost count sometime after I hit 30 pairs, and that was a couple of years and many shopping trips ago. At this point the thongs have overtaken the underwear drawer in my dresser and I think they may be getting ready to stage a coup and overthrow the t-shirt drawer. You would think that I would try to defuse this escalating state of unrest in my closet by avoiding any additions to my collection, but how can I resist a pack of 3 really cute patterned mesh thongs for $1.99? I mean, that's like 66 cents a pair! You can't get a deal like that unless you're really gross and get your underwear at like Goodwill or something. A deal like that is worth the risk of civil closet war, don't you think?

babbled by Kat @ 4:46:00 PM | |

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Gavin Newsom, you are my hero:

If you've read my blog for any period of time, you know that I am a very strong proponent of marriage equality. For the last two days I have been extremely thrilled with Mayor Newsom's decision to allow same-sex couples to apply for marriage licenses in San Francisco. There has been a rush on city hall by same-sex couples who want to get married, and the joy I see on those couples' faces makes me weep with joy.

Unless people aren't telling me something, I don't know anyone who got married on this historic occasion, but I do know someone who does! Congratulations to jozjozjoz's friends stkyrice & aiyahh, who got married today! I am so happy for you and for everyone who has finally been given this opportunity for marriage equality that has been denied for so long.

And for those of you who think that denying marriage to same-sex couples is as discriminatory as I do, go do something about it.

babbled by Kat @ 4:20:00 PM | |

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Got more faces than Cindy Sherman:

HawtThis weekend is Valentine's Day. I have always hated this holiday, especially when I was actually in a relationship and had to find "the perfect gift" because of all the societal pressure bullcrap. Really, if I'm in a relationship with you, I will show my love and affection for you all the time, by giving you surprise gifts and lots of head. I don't need a freakin' greeting card company to tell me when to go down on you.

Of course, since I hate Valentine's Day so much, I created a special, snark-filled Valentine's Edition over at the Cult of the One-Eyed Cat, with the help of a bunch of super-awesome contributors. Enjoy.

In other news, I finished one of my presentations, and I have another due tomorrow that's almost done (hooray!), so I'm back to being on schedule with them, which is excellent. I will probably be spending some time this weekend geeking out in preparation for presentations 3 and 4, because each of them involve building a server and writing 75 slides from scratch. Of course, I am Super Kathleen™, so I am sure I will get it all done on time.

In addition to those, I've been asked to do three web seminars on similar subject matter, all in March. The final versions of all four of the above presentations are also due in March. I also want to have a life in March, but apparently I will be chained to my computer like the dirty tech slave that I am. I will have to invest in a new pocket rocket, some batteries, and a healthy influx of new porn to take the sting out of the lack of human interaction, but I think I may be able to manage.

Also, I'm going to be doing some spring cleaning, both in my house and in my body, so March should be a pretty trippy month overall. I will, of course, make sure that I have time to update the ol' Fez, though - I wouldn't want you to miss the imminent descent into insanity brought on my my own overacheiving ambition. It won't be pretty, but it'll be entertaining, I promise.

babbled by Kat @ 1:21:00 PM | |

Monday, February 09, 2004

It's an institute you can't disparage:

I have four first drafts of presentations to complete this month. One is due today, one is due on Friday, one is due next Wednesday, and the fourth is due the following Monday. I am kind of behind on them, partially due to my own procrastination and partially due to the bane of my existence, Microsoft. I have become so stressed out by this situation that my brain has begun concocting elaborate escape strategies as a way to run away from my problems, the most entertaining of which involves me running away to Las Vegas and getting married, like, right now, and then getting it annulled shortly afterwards just like my hero and yours, Ms. Britney Spears.

The only problem I am having with the execution of this scenario is that most of the people who I would consider embarking on this clearly insane venture with, not to mention the ones who would actually do it, are already happily married. The others are otherwise unattainable, due to celebrity, distance, or orientation. Therefore, in order to do this I will need a volunteer, with the following requirements:

1. Not currently married, or, willing to engage in polygamy for a very short period of time.
2. Close enough to my current location to get into a car with me and drive to Las Vegas.
3. Willing to get married, get blind drunk, and then have the audacity to annul the marriage the next day on the grounds that we were blind drunk and didn't know what we were doing.
4. Male, or if female, willing to allow me to use the fact that we can't legally marry each other in Las Vegas as grounds for an ACLU-backed lawsuit for gender discrimination.
5. Not currently stalking me.

Of course, if you meet all of these requirements (especially numbers three and five) you are probably clinically insane and shouldn't marry anyone, but since when has a little thing like a firm grip on reality been a requirement for anyone I'm even slightly romantically involved with? It certainly isn't something I require for myself.

babbled by Kat @ 1:52:00 PM | |

Sunday, February 08, 2004

You think we're fly but we levitate:

Talented AND hot. Come to mamma.This weekend didn't really go the way I wanted it to, in any way whatsoever. Well, actually, Friday went pretty much according to plan - in fact, it was pretty awesome - but the rest of the weekend reminded me of how unpredictable things can be. It's not that I didn't know that already, it's just that I like to be in control at all times, and sometimes I forget how odd it can be when life throws really teeny things at you and those tiny things throw your plans way off-track.

I guess that paragraph might lead you to believe that something major happened, or that something ridiculously crazy went awry that is forcing me to abandon everything and everyone I know and love and relocate to a remote cabin in the wilds of Montana, but that's not the case. Really, I just had some computer problems and a flat tire.

See, no big deal. But the first paragraph made everything sound so much more exciting and dramatic, no?

Anyway, on Friday I had a rad day, got a lot of work done in the morning, had a long lunch with a good friend, walked around Old Town Pasadena a bit on one of the most beautiful days in recent memory, and got a lot of errands taken care of. I fucking love days like that. They make me appreciate the simplest things that I have, like freedom and friendship and good health.

God, I'm sappy.

Saturday was a little different. It actually all started on Friday night - after I got home from my fabulous day I started working on some computer stuff because I needed to update some software for these geek presentations I'm working on, and I kept having intermittent installation and networking problems. I ended up staying up far too late working on it, and slept far too late on Saturday, and whenever I sleep longer than I intended to I always feel like I missed out on something and then I proceed to kick myself for an hour or so for oversleeping. Anyway, by the time I got my shit together and started working on my project again, I realized I would have to skip the William Gibson talk and book signing I was planning to go to on Saturday night. I was bummed, but remember all that shit I was saying about sucking it up and putting my career first? Yeah, so I did that. Consequently, I didn't leave the house from the time I got home on Friday afternoon until I stepped out the door early Sunday afternoon to go to Caryn's so we could go to a kickass photography exhibition, which is when I noticed the flat tire. Yippee!

I corralled a neighbor to take me to the auto parts store so I could get some of that fix-a-flat stuff, then drove my precioussss to the little shop on the corner. Turns out it was just a leaky valve stem, which is cool since it was cheap to fix, but now I'm all overly paranoid about my tires and will proceed to check the pressure every time I get in the car. I am sure this will only convince all of my friends that I am, in fact, as insane as they suspected.

So anyway, I spent Sunday fixing that and working on the geek presentations, and somehow found the time to stretch two of my bitchen piercings that you will never, ever see. Unless you buy me really expensive presents.

babbled by Kat @ 9:18:00 PM | |

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

The drones work hard before they die:

Last night I had a bad dream that involved a shady car-repair company, a neighborhood full of nosy families, a car chase, and police bursting into my home to arrest me for a multitude of offenses, none of which I committed. My alarm went off right after the police officer (who looked oddly like Kurt Russell) burst into my bedroom and made me get out of bed to take me into custody. I then proceeded to yell, "Oh, shit!" at the alarm clock. Appropriate, don't you think?

In other news, I have apparently contracted a cold of some sort, because I woke up with the fun combo meal of nasal congestion with a side of scratchy throat. I hope the nasal congestion goes away quickly and the whole thing kind of moves down into my throat, because then my voice will get all sexy like on that one episode of Friends when Phoebe gets sick and then her singing voice is all sultry and everyone wants to bone the crap out of her. Well, I made up that last part, but a proper boning wouldn't be a bad thing right about now.

In light of the newly acquired rhinovirus and the fact that I have to complete the first drafts of four separate 75-slide presentations by the end of February, I may have to forego or postpone my trips to Phoenix and San Frangaysco. I don't want to miss out on the mud wrestling in Phoenix and I especially don't want to miss out on the inappropriate boob touching in SF, but as I was discussing with one of my favorite artists last night, sometimes you have to suck it up and get work done, even if it means neglecting your personal life a little. And shit, if I'm going to take over the world, I need to get crackin', because I don't want it to take so long to conquer Earth that I'm too old to enjoy the perks.

babbled by Kat @ 4:32:00 PM | |

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

I've got sunshine on a cloudy day:

Today is my daughter's 13th birthday.

She doesn't read my website, because really, most of my material is beyond PG-13 and has ventured right into R and sometimes NC-17. At some point I'll show it to her, but I think that point will be sometime after she turns 37. God forbid she find out about the evil ways of her birthmother.

Her life began in a fairly tumultuous way, as any of you who have read the adoption saga already know. I lucked out with her adoptive parents, who are two of the most loving, centered, compassionate, open-minded, funny, and amazing people I've ever met. I was fortunate enough to be able to choose the people who would raise my daughter, and I couldn't have chosen two better people to do it. Because of them (and I'd like to think at least partially because of my kickass genes), she is a very well-adjusted, focused, funny, smart kid who continually amazes me with her strength, accomplishments, and passion for her goals. Of course, she's also tall and gorgeous, which I attribute solely to my bitchen genetics. Well, okay, her birth father probably had something to do with that, too.

I look back at my life 13 years ago and see a scared kid, unsure of what the future would bring, who made the biggest decision of her life. I couldn't be happier with the results.

Happy birthday, kiddo.

babbled by Kat @ 11:21:00 AM | |

Monday, February 02, 2004

There was never meant to be only one:

Normally I would include a photo with this post but since the only one I really want to include is the obligatory Ms. Jacksonifyou'renasty oh-so-scandalous boob photo from the Super Bowl halftime show, and it's been seen 9,472,685 times on the intarweb already, I will refrain from doing so and make this a photo-free post. It's all about the content anyway, isn't it? ISN'T IT? Yeah, I thought you'd agree with me.

I will now proceed to recap my weekend, which involved me leaving the house to socialize with other people two, count 'em, two separate times. On two separate days, even. Those of you who know me in real life and are familiar with my hermitlike ways will undoubtedly be shocked by this drastic shift in my behavior patterns, but I assure you, I am fine and not in need of any medication or electroshock treatments. Even though I went to Orange County.

Actually, there isn't much more to tell. There was good food, good company, and excellent conversation. Unfortunately for you voyeuristic types, I didn't engage in anything remotely resembling drunkenness, tomfoolery, or having half of my top ripped off on live TV in front of 100 million viewers by someone who fucked Britney Spears. However, that is now on my top ten list of things to do before I turn 30, which will be happening this year, so stay tuned.

babbled by Kat @ 3:00:00 PM | |