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Friday, December 31, 2004

Auld lang syne:

Presenting the Dirty Fez 2004 Year in Review! Hooray.

In January, I had my first annual "Break Your Resolutions" party. It was a resounding success and so I am going to repeat it again next weekend. The theme? "Break Your Resolutions 2: Electric Boogaloo". That shit never gets old. Also in January: readers voted on which boy I should date and I got my heart broken by one of them, I met people from Metafilter, had a mysterious flu-like illness, and spent a lot of time with China Vagina. A good start to a good year.

February saw me get a cold, hatch a crazy marriage scheme, cry tears of joy when same-sex couples got married in San Francisco, expose a potential romantic relationship with someone who reads my blog, create the Boobs in the Face™ theme for my 30th year, and confess to my crush on Brian Greene. Mmm, string theory.

In March, there were ides and shit. Also, I volunteered as an election official for the first time, wrote an ode to cheesy arena rock, made a 'zine, went to a comic book convention, and almost touched Anthony Michael Hall's butt. All in all, kind of a run-of-the-mill month for me.

April involved too much work and tv watching. I also scored some awesome paintings at Artwalk and started and ended a mini-relationship. Eventful yet uneventful at the same time!

In May, I officiated my big brother's wedding, fell in love, got a cold that lasted for a month, spoke at a conference, shot a bajillion great photographs, spent time with people I hadn't seen in far too long, wrote one serious post, and enjoyed one of the most insane emotional rollercoaster months of my life.

June saw craziness at work, big bonuses, big concerts, big shopping sprees, big drinking, big vomiting after said big drinking, and more big shopping sprees. It was generally just big.

In July, I transferred to a new job in the Big Corporation and began a hectic travel schedule. It started in Canada and ended in Vegas. It included a trip to a comic book convention, where I met Elvis. It was also about the time that my energy levels started diving into the shitter. But I still went to VEGAS, even though I was exhausted. Because it's fucking VEGA$.

August brought with it lots more travel and MY BIRTHDAY! That is why August is the most important month. Because I was born. I went to NYC and Philly and wore a tiara. I also went to Texas and my hair became large. FUN!

September was learning month. I learned to play poker, install and configure some new software products, talk like a pirate (well, who am I kidding, I already knew how to do that. yaaaarrrr!), and that I am the best travel ninja in the universe.

October was busy. I went to a geek conference, took a road trip home from it, won at video poker, nearly punched Jim Tracy in the larynx, went to New York, nursed a crush, opened for Artwalk, came up with a fantastic idea for the next one, had a major blowout, watched my Yankees lose again, went to Chicago for the first time, and got food poisoning. Eventful and occasionally nauseating!

November was another rollercoaster. My election hopes were dashed, but I saw a record voter turnout at my precinct. I bought a new camera. I traveled a lot, as per usual, and had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

December included fun things such as confessing my addictions, inappropriate usage of power tools, comment spam, birthdays, cleavage, high heels, a Vegas wedding, and Xmas domesticity.

All in all, it was a fabulous year. I'm happy that my friends, family, and readers were all here to share it with me. I hope your year was as good and that next year is even better. I love all of you motherfuckers.

babbled by Kat @ 2:58:00 PM | |

Monday, December 27, 2004

I want to be a part of it:

Tomorrow I'm off to visit my old friend, New York City. Ah, memories. New York and I have had some good times together. New York treated me pretty well when we were together. We spent time with friends, drinking fine wine, eating great food. But things changed. When I made the decision to leave, New York took it pretty hard. There were tears, recriminations, harsh words from both parties. I think New York took it especially hard because I left it for a younger, prettier city. I'm not proud of what I did. New York, of course, punished me in its own way by giving me heartbreaking Yankees losses every year since I left.

Fortunately, in the last couple of years, we've managed to patch up our relationship. We've come to an understanding - while we have a lot of common interests and get along quite well, we're just not the right fit for a lifelong partnership. But we're at that point in our relationship where we can be friends who get together every so often to have a few drinks and talk about old times. If only every breakup could be so healthy.

babbled by Kat @ 8:11:00 PM | |

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Ho ho ho:

My friends Steph, Dylan and I are having Xmas dinner together. We started the day with mimosas. Now we're having appetizers - pitas and hummus, fresh mozzarella with tomato and basil, salami and provolone, and cheese (double herb gloucester and havarti) and crackers with sliced garlic-stuffed olives. Next we're going to go roast a chicken and cook a ham, cook marinated bacon, make mashed potatoes from scratch with garlic herb butter, steam asparagus and make hollandaise sauce, and make a fresh salad tossed with lemon juice, roasted garlic, olives, and a little shredded cheese. We have Romanian pastries and pumpkin ice cream with ginger spice cookies for dessert. We are going to be so overstuffed by the end of the day. Mmmmmm.

We're also watching the classic Christmas movie, "Boyz 'n the Hood", and will spend the evening listening to traditional holiday music like Rage Against the Machine and N.W.A.

Happy overcommercialized holiday of pagan origins, everyone!

babbled by Kat @ 2:12:00 PM | |

Monday, December 20, 2004

Internet addict:

Did you know that some casinos and chapels have wifi? I found this out and decided to bring my laptop with me to Vegas. Don't tell me I'm not addicted to the internets.

babbled by Kat @ 6:27:00 PM | |

Friday, December 17, 2004

You can do the job when you're in town:

Big, huge, major changes will be happening a mere 72 hours from now. And no, I am not referring to anything as major as the Great Domain Registration debacle that occurred this morning. In case you were not aware and/or do not check this website obsessively like the other good little internet voyeurs, I accidentally let my domain registration expire and this site disappeared for 12 hours or so. I did not receive any impending expiration e-mails, so I completely forgot about it. Oh yeah, and Dirty Fez turns 3 this month! Go drink a toast to its existence, because you are a better person for knowing that my vagina has a secret identity as a ninja. And would you have known about that if I hadn't come up with the brilliant drunken idea to start Dirty Fez? Probably not! (Well, those of you who have seen my vagina would, but that's neither here nor there.)

Anyway, I am wrapping up a few things this weekend and then I am departing for my favorite bastion of hedonism, Las Vegas. Though they say that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, this will not be the case with this trip. Things are going to occur there, big things, after which my vaninja will never be the same! However, I cannot tell you more than that, because a) I am bound by the secret ningina code and b) I don't want you to try to talk any sense into me.

I am probably not taking my precioussss laptop with me (shocking, I know!) so you will not find out what mischevious and potentially lethal things I have done until I return. Unless I can't keep the secret any longer and find an internet kiosk on the Strip.

babbled by Kat @ 5:00:00 PM | |

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Drop it like it's hot:

I just spent the last 20 minutes or so getting all dolled up for the Brewery holiday party. The owners of the artists' complex where I live throw a party for the residents every year, and we go drink free booze and eat free food and socialize with the same people we see at the cafe every night at dinner. Anyway, this is not something I get too dolled up for, as it's just across the parking lot, and were I under- or overdressed, I could just walk back home and change. (I probably wouldn't, though - I'd just tell everyone to fuck off. Because I'm classy.) All I did was put on a push-up bra and a lower-cut shirt than I would normally wear, and put on high heels. They were a little uncomfortable, but once my toes started to get numb I really didn't notice anymore.

So it appears that I have everything I need for a successful party - cleavage, mascara, high heels, and an Irish liver. They're going to wish they'd never invited me.

babbled by Kat @ 7:05:00 PM | |

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Birthday spanking:

I command you to go wish Koga a happy birthday. Also, if you are a hot girl, please spank him.

That is all.

Happy birthday, kiddo. :P

babbled by Kat @ 1:12:00 AM | |

Sunday, December 12, 2004

I wonder if we'll smile in our coffins:

I have some friends who think I shouldn't be sad in any way that Darrell Abbott died because he was (allegedly) a racist. Those of you who know me know that I'm pretty much the furthest from racist that you can get. Here's the thing, though. I've listened to Pantera for a long time. They don't have racist lyrics (that I'm aware of). I was vaguely aware of the former lead singer, Phil Anselmo, being racist, but those were unconfirmed rumors until he joined his new band and sang questionable things. Plus, everyone knows that Phil is a dick. As far as I know, Darrell Abbott never publicly stated any racist views.

So, a question. If I like someone's music, I mean, their guitar playing is fucking amazing... and I find out that they happen to hold a personal belief that I find reprehensible (assuming that said dead guitar player actually held that belief), am I required to stop thinking that he is a talented guitar player? Am I required to completely shun his music, even though he has never made this particular belief a part of it?

Or is that the thought police knocking at his coffin door?

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong in re: the lyrics of Pantera or Damageplan. Don't be all up in my biznass about racism, though. You should all know by now that I LOVE EVERYONE unless they're stupid.

*Note: Put aside Dimebag Darrell's death for a second and realize that three other people died and seven other people were injured before the killer was shot. Even if the person who was onstage had a reprehensible opinion - can we please have a moment for the other people who died? And can we please figure out a way to ensure this doesn't happen again?

babbled by Kat @ 11:57:00 PM | |

Friday, December 10, 2004


Since I was home sick today, I decided to clean up all the comment spam on one of my other websites. It's running an older version of Movable Type, and even with MT-Blacklist running on it, it was gathering enormous amounts of comment spam. I managed to wrestle it down from nearly 1300 comments to just under 350 in an hour or so. During this time, I learned what all the comment spammers are really, like, into these days.

For example, they are very concerned that US residents are not getting the quality prescription medications that we so clearly need but can't afford. They obviously watched the presidential debates if they are aware of this controversial topic. In particular, they really want me to try Elidel, Phentermine, and Soma. However, they obviously don't know me that well, because if they really wanted to successfully market to me, they'd offer me lots and lots of Adderall.

They are also concerned that I and my fellow contributors to the site are not getting nearly enough hot black man-on-man action. After a quick survey of the other contributors, it turns out that they are correct in assuming we aren't getting any hot gay sex, but incorrect in assuming that this is something that needs to be remedied. They also wanted to bring the plight of she-males to our attention. I thank them wholeheartedly for that. Who knew how exploited and oppressed these mid-op transsexuals were? I, for one, will be contributing donations to the she-male charity websites I located with the comment spammers' selfless assistance.

Lastly, these comment spammers seem overwhelmed with a need to provide me with products and services at huge discounts. These items range from half-price shoes to no-fee mortgages. I don't know how these kind folks can possibly afford all of this generosity! How can they possibly be making a profit with such rock-bottom prices and fee-free services? I worry about their ability to provide for their families if they continue with that sort of devoted selflessness. It's taking the phrase "generous to a fault" to a whole new level.

Now that I've purged the other site of all of these generous offers and made sure to send off a little cash to underprivileged trannies, I am going to go enjoy the fruits of my labor in my new house, try on my 17 new pairs of shoes, pop a few Somas, and watch those hot gay black men get their freak on.

babbled by Kat @ 8:09:00 PM | |

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Five minutes alone:

RIP, Dimebag. You were too much metal for one hand. \mm/

babbled by Kat @ 3:35:00 PM | |

Wednesday, December 08, 2004


I swear to the baby jesus buttplug, I think I'm allergic to Boston. The last two times I have been here I have been sick. Third time's a charm, you say? Not so much. I flew to Boston on Monday. Got in late. Had an omelette for dinner. Woke up Tuesday morning feeling a little tired, but nothing unusual - it was 4 AM my time, after all. By noon, I had that weird feeling in my nose and on the roof of my mouth - that kind of feeling you get when you breathe in too much cold air too fast, but that can also signify an upcoming cold. Since I was, you know, walking around in cold, blustery weather, I chalked it up to that. Then my throat declared mutiny and started hurting. I'm not talking "I'm a little dehydrated" hurting. I'm talking "I deep throated a dremel tool" kind of pain.

I was supposed to drive up to Hartford this morning to give a 2-day presentation. However, 8 hours a day of talking + sore throat = Kat losing her voice. Plus, I had a fever and was starting to get sniffly last night, and figured I was in the early stages of some full-on Hardcore Illness Action™,so I rescheduled the Hartford trip. Now I'm in the airport waiting to board my plane on the way back to L.A. I'm all hopped up on Advil Cold & Sinus and downing water and Cold-Eze like a madwoman. When I get home, I'm going to crawl into bed under two down blankets and fall asleep with my cat curled up on the top of my head. Purring is the best cure for everything.

babbled by Kat @ 11:45:00 AM | |

Monday, December 06, 2004

Chesty LaRue:

If you're someone who is a platonic friend you probably don't want to read this.

That said, one of the few things I like about traveling to a very cold climate is that my nipples walk into the room before I do. It almost makes all that east coast winter travel worth it. Add in a hot toddy and I'll be flitting cross-country weekly until the spring thaw.

babbled by Kat @ 11:07:00 PM | |

Saturday, December 04, 2004


So, I have a problem. I'm an addict. I know what you're going to say - you were all planning to stage an intervention, but you didn't know the right way to bring it up. But now, I'm admitting it, and doing what I can to change.

That's right. I'm addicted to collecting cameras.

It all started when my friend at DreamWorks brought me to a prop sale. Sounds innocent enough, right? I ended up with a box full of vintage and newer cameras, all for the low, low price of $5 each. Most were props in the Ring. You'd think that would satisfy me, right? But no, it was the beginning of an obsession.

Soon after that, I began trolling eBay for camera bodies and lenses that matched some of the orphan lenses and bodies I had from the prop sale. Then, I turned my attention to Brownies and other vintage cameras. My quest continued as I purchased new Holgas and a digital SLR from the local camera shop. The Holgas acted as a gateway, and I soon found myself experimenting with alternative processes and printmaking. I even started using a cameraphone for quick fixes.

My addiction seemed to be temporarily sated by my most recent acquisitions from eBay include a super 8 movie camera and a large format Polaroid (with bellows, very exciting!), but I couldn't stop there. I had to go further.

I had to have a Leica.

So a few weeks ago, as I stopped by the local camera shop to replenish my stash of film, I saw it, shimmering behind its glass case. The Leica C2 I mentioned a few entries back. Beautiful, sleek, perfect. My eyes longed to gaze through its viewfinder. So, in a dark moment of pure addictive lust, I purchased it.

But it didn't stop there.

I became even more obsessed, but not just by cameras in general - no, my addiction focused solely on one flavor of sweet, sweet candy - Leicas. I used the C2, and felt a jolt of pleasure with each press of the shutter, but I felt that something was missing. And I knew what that something was. A digital Leica. I spent countless hours on eBay, searching, bidding, and always losing the bid at the last second to someone just as desperate, just as enslaved by their need for a seamless combination of lens perfection and retro styling.

This past Wednesday, I finally did it. I braved the treacherous eBay bidding wars, and with cunning strategy and the desperate need to stave off withdrawals, I won an auction for the elusive digital Leica. As luck would have it, the seller is a (very cute) student at Caltech, which is just down the street from where I live. He offered to deliver it, but I couldn't wait, so I offered to pick it up. My eyes aquiver with the thoughts of its big, beautiful LCD viewfinder and its perfect, sharp lens, I went to Pasadena and scored the biggest hit of my life.

Now that I have my precioussss, I feel an odd sense of calm. The frenetic online research and obsessive refreshing of the My eBay Bidding page seems a thing of the distant past. My addiction seems to have been quelled.

For now.

babbled by Kat @ 1:38:00 PM | |

Friday, December 03, 2004

Couch burrito:

When I am not on the road, I work from home. Many people say, "wow, I wish I could work from home". Yes, it is good, as evidenced by the fact that I still have slippers on and it is mid-afternoon. But there are pros and cons, which I will outline for you here.

Pro: I do not have to commute, so I can sleep a little later.
Con: No commuting means no dealing with traffic, which makes it much more difficult for me to come up with phrases like "You almost fucking hit me, you cock-knocking son of a crack whore!"

Pro: I do not have to interact with people, so I do not have to wear pants. Bonus: this also cuts down on laundry!
Con: It's very cold in my loft in the winter, so no pants means all goose bumps, all the time.

Pro: When packages get delivered, I am here to receive them. No more trips to the post office!
Con: eBay.

Pro: I have wireless internet access, so I can work in my home office, on my sofa, even in bed.
Con: My couch has a permanent ass-print now. Also, I check e-mail at 3 a.m. on Saturday.

Pro: My cat thinks I am neato, and therefore is very happy when I am home all day. He likes to sit next to the ass-print on the sofa.
Con: I have turned into a crazy cat lady - I have wrapped my cat up in a blanket and now he looks like a burrito.

babbled by Kat @ 1:11:00 PM | |