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Monday, January 30, 2006

Queen of the stone age:

On Friday, I got back from eight days of conference shenanigans. I enjoyed many activities, such as standing on stage in front of 450 people with another 300 in overflow rooms listening to what I had to say; showing off my tattoo to many very vanilla, non-modified people and getting nothing but positive responses; watching many nerdy friends do bad karaoke; and making out with someone I probably shouldn't have been making out with. Ah, well. What happens at conferences stays at conferences.

I am in Boston now and heading to NYC tomorrow. I plan to do many things in both places, most of which involve wine and/or high finance. I had planned to cart along my new laptop, which I love sooooo much I might spit, but I didn't have time to install the 28907329749827983 pieces of software that I need to do everything in the 34 hours I was at home. It's replacing Cephas, my big old workhorse of a laptop, and will need a new biblical name, so suggestions are welcome.

I also got a new phone last week and it is super awesome. In fact, I am in love with it, and we are eloping in the spring. It has many features that will make me more productive, like an interactive Texas Hold 'Em game and better internet connectivity. Of course, the first thing I did was download a new default ring tone for it: the theme to Knight Rider. Awww, yeah. Hasselhoff, baby.

In addition, I have figured out what I want to do with my life: I plan to start a company, sell it for a very large sum, find a bunch of other very rich shiftless layabouts and purchase a baseball team. Then I shall live out my days thinking about baseball every waking moment. I can see it now. It'll be awesome.

What? I live a very rich fantasy life.

Or do I?

babbled by Kat @ 4:39:00 PM | |

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Wedding bells:

So, most of you who are my friends in real life know that I really like it when people are just straightforward with me, because nothing bothers me more than lying. Okay, spinelessness bothers me just as much. And Jessica Simpson. No, Ashlee. No, both.


To that end, I must confess to you, dear readers, that I have been dishonest with you. When we went to Vegas in December, my friend Andrew and I decided to play a little prank on our friends, and said we got married. Well, it's not true. I'm still perfectly single and full of hatred for humanity. I know at least seventeen of you will be relieved.

Most of you should have seen through it, though. I mean, it is my annual marriage hoax. It's tradition. But never fear - if some useless fuckbag ever does trick me into marrying him, not only will I have a bulletproof, 53-page prenup (double-sided), I promise that everyone I know will have a really good time at our wedding in Vegas and their livers will declare mutiny by the end of the wedding weekend.

babbled by Kat @ 1:26:00 PM | |

Monday, January 16, 2006

Le singe est sur la branche:

My first trip this year was to Arizona, where I got to hang out with computer nerds who think I'm the best thing since sliced bread (they even offered me a job), and visit my grandma, who thinks I'm awesome except that I don't call her enough (she didn't offer me a job). I got home after a few days in the icky desert city, and enjoyed my homecoming by losing $40 at poker. Mmmm, gambooooling.

A few days later I departed for dirty Jerz and after my torturous stay in the throes of Jerseyitis, I went to NYC for a few days, during which time I drank most of my NYC friends (except Sean, because his liver is stronger than mine) under the table. I have a few days at home before I depart for the happiest place on earth.

I have a lot of shit to do this week - I need to find a housekeeper to clean my house in preparation for the people I will be housing during an upcoming event in February. I also need to complete presentations for the talks I'm giving next week, officially start a business by opening bank accounts and starting some legal paperwork, color my hair, go on a juice fast, build those fucking bookshelves already, order some domain names and new cellphones, and I don't know, fap or something. Mmmm, fapping. I also need a futon and a bunch of lube.

Wait, what? Lube is for squares.

After I do all that shit I'm off to a big giant conference where I shall give deeply technical presentations. Giving nerd talks to rooms full of 800+ people is fun. Sweet mother of fuck, people. I am so fired up about work, both my current job and my future businesses, that I seem to have instantly doubled my energy levels. Yes, being much busier actually makes me less tired. Yes, I am a giant nerd. Deal with it.

Also, I want a pygmy marmoset. Buy me one. Thanks.

babbled by Kat @ 11:42:00 AM | |

Monday, January 09, 2006


I just got this as the body of a spam message. It reminded me of my favourite princess, just a little, but that could be because it makes me want to put bows in people's hair. I reprint it here for your review:

virtuoso respectfully and sorrowfully as I felt;
but pray believe me, I made efforts to know these elusive characters by sight wherever I met gliding characters;
the most despotic characters I have ever known;
whose mouth looked as if she might be broken, but could never be bent.

ed. note: the subject line of the e-mail is the title of this post. Best. Spam. Evar.

babbled by Kat @ 2:06:00 PM | |

Friday, January 06, 2006

2005 in two paragraphs:

For those of you who don't want to read through all four detailed posts, here's a short recap.

In 2005, I: gained a roommate, spoke at a conference, became boyfriendless, realized that I'm ancient, bought a new car, became roommateless, visited the ER (for someone else), remained a comic book geek, became temporarily deaf, interviewed the pope, went to Ireland and the UK, spoke at another conference, invalidated the Louisiana Purchase, took a spontaneous cross-country trip, risked life and limb to find beer, exposed my love for bad '80s metal, lost one of the most amazing friends I've ever had, went to the nerd prom, had an amazing birthday weekend, went to NYC about a billion times, babysat a stranger, narrowly escaped TSA persecution, spoke at yet another conference, sprained the holy living fuck out of my ankle, visited the ER again (for me), increased my net worth by a ridiculous amount, got a fucking beautiful new tattoo, and got hitched.

Honestly, 2005 has been the best, worst, most tumultuous year I have ever experienced. Great things happened. Horrible things happened. I lost a phenomenal friend, and in the process of coming to terms with that loss, became closer to some of the most amazing people I've ever had in my life.

Bye bye, 2005. Been great knowing ya, but I'm glad I never have to see you again.

babbled by Kat @ 6:04:00 PM | |

2005 year in review, part 4:

And now, I present: the last installment. I can hear your sighs of relief from here.

In October, I babysat a stranger, went to witchtown and narrowly escaped being permanently trapped by two clever kidnappers and/or airport security. I went to New York again and tried (without success) to find a hot motherfucker to take with me to Switzerland.

No matter, because when I was coming home from Boston at the beginning of November, I sprained my ankle so badly that I couldn't travel for several weeks. The trip to Switzerland got canceled, and I lounged about for a couple of weeks with a very concerned cat perched upon my chest. I went to Nashville to visit family and New York to celebrate Keith's life on his birthday. Then I prepared for my impending jury duty.

Which turned out to cause quite a stressful few days in December. I almost got picked, which would have ruined three trips, one of which included lots of snow and a significant increase in my net worth and one of which included getting my newest, favorite tattoo. Afterwards, I went to Vegas for Xmas and topped the year off with a little matrimony.

Recap for the lazy coming shortly.

babbled by Kat @ 1:46:00 PM | |

Thursday, January 05, 2006

2005 year in review, part 3:

Here's installment #3. I know you've been on the edges of your fucking seats.

In July, I discovered that a neighbor had her own soylent green factory and unveiled my insane packing techniques. And then I lost one of the most amazing friends I have ever had the good fortune to know. I was pretty much stunned the rest of the month, with a few amazing moments here and there.

In August, my friend Jordan wrote an article about Keith, which was beautiful and helped me express some of what I'd been thinking. I went to San Francisco and shocked some queers, had an amazing birthday weekend which included baseball, meat, booze, an underage Canadian and some gambling. You can't ask for a more perfect birthday than that.

In September, I went to my favorite city and spent a bunch of time with hot people. I may or may not have shagged one of them, even. Shocking. I went to New York yet again, where I caught a mysterious 24-hour fever which led to a strange music compilation. In addition, I obsessed about photography and went to a strange foreign land.

The last installment and a one-paragraph rollercoaster summary is coming up soon. 2005 was a fucking insane year. Christ.

babbled by Kat @ 5:24:00 PM | |

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

2005 year in review, part 2:

And now, more recaps:

In April, I did some spring cleaning, went to a comic book nerdfest where I groped hot chix, became temporarily deaf, spent a lot of time planning my May vacation, and cemented my reservation in Hell. (That's actually one of my favorite posts of the year. I mean, c'mon - "I'm like the Dick Cheney of the Vatican"? So great.)

In May, I went to Ireland and the UK, where I spent some quality time with my precioussss, who is a classy broad. I also spoke at a conference and I don't know, drank booze or something.

In June, my main accomplishment was invalidating the Louisiana Purchase. However, I also managed to expose my secret plans for tricking people into falling in love with me and took a spontaneous trip to New York, where I spent time with a number of my favorite people. I also went to southern Indiana, where I went on an epic adventure in order to find beer. And, finally, I exposed myself as a crazy '80s metal fan.

More to come! Excitement abounds.

babbled by Kat @ 5:11:00 PM | |

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

2005 year in review, part 1:

Yeah, it's a few days late. Deal with it. And you only get 3 months for now, but deal with that, too. I'm tired (read: buzzed).

I started writing this in paragraph format, but fuck that.

January: Gained roommate, dealt with travel issues, didn't poop when speaking in front of an audience of 800+, became single.

February: Daughter turned 14, bought a new car, traveled too much, visited dad.

March: Roommate moved, had a going away party for her which resulted in one vomiting incident and one emergency room visit. I proved that I'm a giant dork, and made my weekly list public.

More to come tomorrow! Keep those seat edges warm.

babbled by Kat @ 10:04:00 PM | |

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Tastes like turduckhen:

I am working on the 2005 year in review post, but keep getting distracted by the endless marathon of "I Love the Last 5 Minutes" shows on VH1. Right now they're playing "I Love the '90s", and Liz Phair is one of the commentators. While I can't say that I enjoy any of her more recent (read: sellout) music, she is hot as hell. I don't usually like skinny broads, but there's just something about her that makes me want to gnaw on her flesh and grunt.

Um. What?

Anyway, I should have the year in review done within the next day or so. If I don't, I'll just trash it and post a photo of someone's ass or something. No point in a year in review post if I don't put it up until mid-June.

babbled by Kat @ 7:38:00 PM | |