For somereason, I've been thinking about sex a lot lately. This preoccupation has not been helped by the fact that I have heard two different couples getting it on during the past week. Of course, this preoccupation with nookie has paved the way for countless sex-related discussions with my friends. Our last discussion was centered on that age-old question: "Was it sex?"
Of course, this dilemma was most famously debated by our very own President Clinton. However, while his reason for discussing it was to cover his ass, ours is quite different.
Our main discussion centered around how people of different sexual orientations define sex. If you're a straight woman, you probably define sex as penetration of some sort, e.g., Boy meets girl, Boy sticks it in girl, Boy climaxes, Girl breaks out vibrator after boy leaves. But what if you're a bisexual woman? If you spend two hours with your face buried in another girl's muff, but there is no penetration, do you call it sex? Well, I sure as hell would.
This also harkens back to that classic argument between Banky and Alyssa in Chasing Amy: does there have to be penetration in order for it to be called sex? Well, that's just not fair to our lesbian and bisexual lady friends out there, is it? Just because they don't have a penis, we can't call it sex? Nope, I don't think so. So, then, in the spirit of gender equality, if oral sex between two women is sex, then so is oral sex between a man and a woman (sorry, Mr. Clinton), or between two men. And if a woman fingering a woman is sex, then so is a man fingering a woman or a man giving another man a handjob.
Using this definition, almost all sexual activity can be considered sex. Now, my girlfriends and I thought this was too broad a definition. So, we came up with something better that we could all agree upon:
If you came, it was sex.
If you didn't come, it wasn't sex.
If you don't remember it the next morning, it wasn't sex.
This is a much better definition. Using this new definition, I've had sex with myself MANY more times than I have with anyone else. In addition, I only had sex once with my ex-boyfriend Joseph! This definition wipes out all of that bad sex that I know most of my lady friends have had. Not only that, it conveniently gets rid of those nasty drunken dalliances you may have had with that neighbor guy after too much champagne and cheese doodles during the Super Bowl or that clingy girl from accounting in the supply closet at the office holiday party. It makes sense! I've already applied it to my life, and it's made me feel better already. Try it! And if your newly-revised sexual history leaves you with something to be desired, go out and find yourself a new friend. Using our definition, that drunken sex that you'll end up having in the backseat of his Yugo won't even count!