Thanks, Al Gore.
Thinking about how much the goddamned internet was ruining my life and the lives of many others pissed me off, so I decided to write a letter to the internet and its hetero life-mate, the world wide web, to discuss their deliberate ruination of countless lives.
Dear Internet and WWW:
I have noticed that you're doing so well out in that vast cloud that we geeks see so often on network diagrams. It looks so cold and lonely on the diagrams, but apparently you have overcome that and managed to suck the souls out of enough people to at least temporarily satiate your bloodthirsty desires and continue your plans for world domination. I know many people who have had their lives completely decimated because they've been sucked in by your siren song. I am writing to you now to let you know that we will not continue to allow this relentless soul stealing to continue.
I admit, I have been sucked into your sticky web (pun intended) of lies, sex, and deceit. You present pretty pictures of beautiful people, places, and things that make us mere mortals melt and become pawns in your evil game. You grant us the convenience of shopping at home at 2 a.m. in our pajamas. You give us access to people in far-off lands that we probably would never have known otherwise. You give people an outlet to show their collections of lesbian pulp fiction book covers and condiment packages.Your contributions to the porn industry are laudable. But I know what you're doing. I see your secret plot. You want to ruin my life. You want to steal my soul.
That's right. I've seen through your thick and deceptive veneer of gorgeous naked ladies getting it on! and great deals on computers, cheap! I've rejected your offers to enlarge my penis and breasts, get a house with no money down, and get several million dollars for helping that poor widow of the Nigerian official who's being so maliciously persecuted, no matter how tempting they may be. I know that you're trying to trick me into spending all of my hard-earned cash and rapidly disappearing free time within your vast and neverending vault of products and information. I vow to resist you!
But your appeal is so great, your siren call so sweet, that I have to muster all of my will to stay away. Your vast expanse of nothingness is like a playground for my ADD-addled mind. When I get tired of looking at one thing, there you are with a bright, shiny link to someplace else. When I sit down "just to check my e-mail", I invariably start up one of your seductive minions, the IM client, and end up talking for hours with people, some of whom I will probably never meet in real life. When I'm away from you for too long, I feel disconnected from the world. It's a relief for the first couple of days, because your narcotic effects wear off slowly, but by the third or fourth day I'm jonesing for another hit, another fix of your sweet brown sugar.
I want to kick. I want to resist, but I've become addicted. I don't want to succumb, but I fear that I'm on the brink.
You're ruining my life.
But I won't let you. Even if it kills me.
Internet & WWW
Subsidiaries of Al Gore, Inc.